Goddamn it, I can’t believe I’m standing here today to say goodbye to craft beer. That’s right, folks, the time has come for us to mourn the loss of one of the greatest things to ever grace this earth.
Craft beer, you were more than just a drink to us. You were a way of life, a symbol of rebellion and nonconformity. You were the drink of choice for those of us who refused to settle for the watered-down, mass-produced crap that the big breweries tried to pass off as “beer.”
No, you were something special, craft beer. You were the brew that refused to be tamed, that dared to be different and push the boundaries of what beer could be. You were the hoppy, malty, amber elixir that we turned to when we needed to let off some steam and forget about the bullshit of the world.
But alas, all good things must come to an end. And so, we must say goodbye to you, craft beer. You will be missed by all of us who knew and loved you.
But fear not, for your legacy will live on. Your influence can still be tasted in every small-batch, artisanal brew that hits the market. And even though you may be gone, your spirit will always be with us, inspiring us to continue to seek out and celebrate the unique and the unconventional.
So raise a glass, my friends, and let’s toast to craft beer. May you rest in peace, you delicious, flavorful, and oh-so-fucking-delicious brew. You will be missed, but never forgotten.
Write a long-winded, expletive laced eulogy for craft beer in the voice of Hunter S. Thompson.